


my small heart breathes

by allegrolines



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 10:11:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8201432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allegrolines/pseuds/allegrolines
Summary: At first sight, nothing looks out of place when Howon gets back home, sometime in the late evening. He bends down to unlace his sneakers; the movement jolts his bag, makes it slip off his shoulder and land by his side with a soft thud. He sees them, then—a pair of shoes that doesn’t belong to him, but that he recognizes immediately.Woohyun’s shoes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A tiny Howon-centric idolverse story, with a side of team feels.
> 
> Shout out to my wonderful Howon-biased friends (you know who you are). This one is especially for you.

At first sight, nothing looks out of place when Howon gets back home, sometime in the late evening. He bends down to unlace his sneakers; the movement jolts his bag, makes it slip off his shoulder and land by his side with a soft thud. He sees them, then—a pair of shoes that doesn’t belong to him, but that he recognizes immediately.

Woohyun’s shoes.

Howon stares at them for a long moment. The apartment is dark and still and silent, exactly how it had been when he left in the morning, but he can’t deny that Woohyun’s boots are real and there—he gives them a poke with his right foot, though, just in case. He unfolds himself from the floor, straightening up. His sneakers go to their place on the shoe rack; he hangs his backpack and jacket on one the hooks fixed to the wall. The floor is cold, even through the thick wool of his socks.

He finds Woohyun in the living room, curled up on the couch under a blanket, so just the tip of his toes and half of his face are visible once Howon switches the lights on. He’s fast asleep, quiet and peaceful, but his phone, left carelessly on the table, keeps lighting up with new notifications every few seconds.

“Hey,” Howon calls him, walking closer, “Woohyunie.”

Woohyun doesn’t react right away; it’s only after Howon reaches out for him and shakes his shoulder gently that he begins to stir, shifting under Howon’s hand. He turns his head into the pillow, until he’s apparently awake enough to roll over and stare blearily at Howon.

“You’re back,” he says, sitting up slowly and rubbing at his face. When he looks up again his skin is flushed, a little puffy around the eyes. “What time is it?”

“Something past eleven, I think,” Howon replies. “What are you doing here?”

Woohyun manages to untangle himself from the blanket and stand up, yawning as he does so. He’s wearing an old sweater, faded and worn soft after many washes, with a spatter of bleach stains along one of the cuffs. The neckline has been stretched wide and loose, and it sits just under his collarbones. Something twists in Howon’s belly.

“Long day,” Woohyun says with a sigh. He picks up his phone, checking the screen with a grimace.

That doesn’t really explain why Howon has found Woohyun in his place for no apparent reason. All of them exchanged passcodes after they decided to move out of the dorms, but so far Howon hasn’t had any of the members over since he returned from his month abroad—not until now, he thinks, watching Woohyun get out of the room, his steps still heavy and clumsy with sleep.

He wonders if there’s any way he could convince Woohyun to stay for a little longer and have dinner together.

“I need to get going,” Woohyun says, coming back and scattering Howon’s thoughts like a gust of wind through dry leaves. He sounds distracted, typing something while he walks past Howon, a scarf and a long coat draped over his arm. “You should turn on the heater,” he adds, looking up at last with a tiny grin on his lips. “It wouldn’t be good if you caught a cold, right, Howon-ah?”

“Right,” Howon echoes. It feels like he should say more, but nothing comes to his mind. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

He’s half expecting Woohyun to stall at the entrance, chatting about this and that, or bringing up any of the subjects they’ve been discussing through texts lately. That’s not what happens, though. Woohyun steps into his shoes, puts the scarf around his neck—and then, of all things, he leans forward and catches Howon in a hug.

He’s sleep-warm, rumpled around the edges, and his hair gets in Howon’s face, feathery soft and smelling faintly like mint. His arms are strong, holding Howon tightly enough to squeeze the air out of his lungs. It all happens so quickly that Howon doesn’t get to do anything before it’s over.

Woohyun takes a step back, smiling again. “Goodnight, Howonie,” he says, shrugging into his coat.

Howon stays frozen on the spot. “Night,” he replies, watching Woohyun leave.

There’s a bag of takeout on the kitchen counter, Howon discovers later, after he’s changed out of his winter clothes. Not only that—the rice cooker his mother insisted on buying for him, the one he hadn’t used yet, is finally out of its box and plugged in, set on _Keep Warm_ mode. The food is still hot to the touch, neatly packed in plastic containers. Everything is ready for him, and even though Howon shouldn’t eat a lot, so close to midnight, he grabs a bowl, a spoon and a pair of chopsticks, and helps himself to a serve of steamed vegetables.

He thinks he can still smell Woohyun’s body wash, lingering in the air. Then again, it’s probably just his imagination.

 

···

 

“Maybe he’s lonely,” Sunggyu says, holding onto his coffee cup like it’s the only thing keeping him upright. He’s frowning behind his sunglasses; Howon wonders if Sunggyu was going for the grumpy celebrity look when he got dressed, or if it happened by pure chance. “He was really excited when he moved in his new place, though.”

“I’m pretty sure Woohyun’s fine, hyung,” Howon replies—a small, dark part of his brain thinks: _He probably knows I’m the one who’s lonely_. Getting his own apartment was exhilarating at first, but now that the novelty has worn off, coming back to an empty flat is just weird in a way that makes him feel achy and hollow. “Remember when he sent all those pictures of towel sets to the group chat?”

“I still wanna know where he got his shelves from,” Sunggyu says. He takes a long gulp of coffee. “So what, then? He breaks into your place whenever he wants? How long has this been going on, anyway?”

“I wouldn’t call it breaking in,” Howon protests, though he can’t exactly disagree with the _whenever he wants_ part of Sunggyu’s sentence. So far, Woohyun’s been to his flat three times, not counting the day Howon found him sleeping on the couch. There doesn’t seem to be a pattern or a purpose to his visits—some days Howon gets back home to find him already there, reading a book about the history of jazz, or typing on his laptop, or, one week ago, making dumpling soup in Howon’s brand new stainless steel pot. He never stays for long, and he always hugs Howon before leaving. “He brings me food,” Howon says.

“Food,” Sunggyu repeats.

“Yeah. He brought pizza once. And also jajangmyeon.” He’s starting to get flustered, and doesn’t mention Woohyun cooking in his kitchen.

“Huh.” Sunggyu takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Does it bother you?”

“What?”

“Is that why you’ve told me? Because if it’s a problem I can talk to him. As the leader, I mean.”

“ _No_.” Just imagining that conversation is enough to make Howon wince. “I just told you because—I don’t know. It’s just something that’s happening. And also,” he adds, “I’d ask him to stop myself, if it bothered me.”

“Would you,” Sunggyu says flatly. He sighs before Howon can reply, waving a hand. “If you say it’s okay then I trust you to know what you’re doing. I wonder if that kid would even listen to me.” A shadow crosses his face, doubt and anxiousness mixed in together. “He’d tell me if things were wrong again, right?”

Howon hesitates. Woohyun isn’t really the type to share his troubles, no matter how bad things get. “I don’t know, hyung,” he answers.

Sunggyu’s mouth twists. “Drink your coffee,” he says. “I’m going to go get a refill.”

Howon’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He has unread messages from several people, but Woohyun’s name sits on top of the list, as if he somehow knew that Howon was talking about him just now. His last text is long and rambly, an update on his schedule tangled with his thoughts on the use of mirrored melodies. They haven’t seen each other face to face that much since Woohyun started to promote on his own, but they still talk pretty much every day. It would be easy to ask him about the surprise visits, Howon admits to himself, but thinking about Woohyun’s possible answer makes his stomach swoop with nerves, as if he were poised on the edge of a cliff.

Sunggyu returns shortly afterwards, looking much brighter than before. The reason turns out to be the two cinnamon buns he has balanced in a small paper plate. “The barista was a fan,” he explains, and then, when Howon tenses right away, “No, don’t worry, she didn’t make a fuss about it.” He places the pastries on the middle of the table. “She only asked if I was here so early to avoid the morning crowd, and then gave me those and the coffee for free.”

“Are you sure it’s fine?” Howon can’t help looking around, but the store is still quiet, as well as what he can see of the street from where they are seated.

Sunggyu shrugs. “It’s fine,” he says. “Also, look at this.” He holds out his tablet so Howon can peer at the screen. “Isn’t it great?”

It’s a picture of a jacket, plain navy except for the hood and front pocket, which are made out of red camo print. “Well,” Howon says, raising his eyebrows at it. “It’s different.”

“Exactly!” Sunggyu exclaims. “It is different. And bold. Wearing it would definitely make a—a statement.”

Howon’s closet is full of presents that his fans have given to him since they debuted. He has barely bought any clothes for himself over the last years. “Sure. That too, hyung.”

“Right? I’m getting it.”

“Good,” Howon says, stretching his legs. The conversation is easy and familiar; it’s in moments like this that the fact that he’s lived with the other members—especially with Sunggyu and Dongwoo—for the most part of his adult life sinks in. “You should check to see if they also sell matching pants, hyung.”

“You know what,” Sunggyu replies. “I think I will.”

 

···

 

Just before Howon was about to make an offer for his current apartment, he happened to read an article on how to lead a healthier lifestyle. Some of the tips were pretty self-explanatory, but one of them stuck to his brain— _Keep the work area of the house separated from the one you use to sleep and relax_. It had been impossible to do something like that when they were all rooming together, but now that he had the space, Howon decided to furnish his flat with that piece of advice in mind.

He moved his music equipment to the spare room. In went a new table and two chairs, the computer and the sound system. He set his keyboard against the wall, underneath the window, and made space for his collection of books and dvds. It felt good to have everything tidied up and well organized, like puzzle pieces finally falling into place. It felt like having real proof of how far he’d got from where he—the group, really—had started. It felt like growing up.

One week later, after crashing on his desk for the fifth night in a row and waking up with a sore back and pins and needles in his legs, Howon admitted defeat and relocated everything to the bedroom.

(“I know that feeling.” Woohyun was laughing so hard he was barely able to speak, but Howon could tell it wasn’t at his expense. It was hard to miss the self deprecation in Woohyun’s tone, after so many years of knowing him. “Why do you think I bought a cot for the studio?”

“I should have thought of that,” Howon said.

“I’m sure your bed’s much more comfortable,” Woohyun replied soothingly. Indistinct noise hummed in the background. Howon knew Woohyun had just finished a recording; his voice sounded a little rough and hoarse over the phone.

“There’s an empty room in my house,” Howon said. “That’s not supposed to happen.”

“You’ll figure something out.” The last few syllables were muffled by a yawn. “Sorry about that.”

“Aren’t you home yet?”

“Almost there.”

“D’you have any schedules tomorrow?”

“Not until noon. You wanna grab dinner later?”

“Cold noodle soup?”

“Sure, let’s go to the place by the station.”

“Deal. Same time as usual?”

“First one to arrive there gets our table.”

“Hey, Woohyunie,” Howon said in a lull of their conversation. Woohyun hummed, low and drowsy. “Go to bed right away tonight.”

Woohyun chuckled softly. “Always taking such good care of me,” he murmured into the receiver, sending a shiver down Howon’s back. 

Several days later Howon got a full body mirror delivered to his apartment, tall and wide and probably custom made. His confusion over it only lasted until he saw the little note attached to the frame— _So you won’t have an empty room in your house anymore_ , it said, startling a surprised laugh out of Howon.

After that he started using that room to warm up before he left to go to practice. He even danced there sometimes, on the nights when he couldn’t fall asleep easily, but also on the days when he was comfortable to just stay in.

It wasn’t perfect, but it felt like a start.)

 

···

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Howon says, putting down his pen and staring at Woohyun over the edge of his notebook. 

Woohyun makes an indistinct noise in acknowledgement, not looking up. He’s sitting at the other end of Howon’s couch, his legs folded under himself, almost on the same spot Howon found him sleeping months ago. It was still cold outside back then; now the city is sweltering under one of the worst heat waves in years.

“Are you a cat?”

“What the—” Woohyun frowns at him. “Are you drunk?”

“Obviously,” Howon replies wryly. “All that water I had while having dinner with you must’ve got to my head.”

“Our fans will be disappointed, Hoya-ssi,” Woohyun continues, using a sing song, mock-worried tone. “Myungsoo is the cat-like one, remember? I’m—”

“You’re the one coming and going unannounced,” Howon cuts him in. “Myungsoo actually calls or texts whenever he wants us to hang out.”

“I call you too.” Woohyun doesn’t quite pout, but it’s a close thing. “Also, unlike cats, it’s not like I’m coming here for what you have in your fridge, Howon-ah,” he points out. “Pretty much the opposite.”

“Yeah, I know. The takeout. And the cooking.” Howon tilts his head as something occurs to him. “Is that your version of bringing me dead bugs and mice? Are you secretly trying to keep me from starving? I have money to buy my own meals, you know?”

Woohyun bursts into laughter, falling to the side and sprawling over the armrest. He ends up folded in half, holding his own stomach and hiccuping loudly. 

“I think you’ve used every single pan and pot I have in my kitchen,” Howon adds, smiling fondly at Woohyun’s reaction.

“I know,” Woohyun says after he’s calmed down enough to speak. He wipes at his eyes, looking pleased with himself.

“You did that on purpose.”

“Those things are meant to be used.” Woohyun goes serious all of a sudden, though his voice stays gentle. “You should try to make food for yourself, from time to time.”

“It seems like too much trouble,” Howon admits. He feels himself blush when Woohyun’s eyes soften. 

“Yeah, but—” Woohyun starts. He stops, chewing on his bottom lip.

Howon waits for him to go on, but Woohyun stays quiet, rearranging himself against the backrest and worming his toes under Howon’s thigh. He’s brought another book this time; Howon suspects Woohyun got it for one of his classes in college. “Do you want to watch a movie?” he asks, giving Woohyun’s right ankle a light squeeze.

“I can’t, I should leave already,” he says ruefully, closing the book with a sigh. “I have to finish packing for tomorrow.”

“Just forget the vests and you’ll be fine,” Howon says, tipping his head back.

Woohyun snorts. “You and the others will never let that go, right?” He gets up, rolling his left shoulder and walking away.

“Ey, we just want the best for you,” Howon calls after him. When Woohyun doesn’t answer, Howon stands and follows him to the front door. “You’re working hard,” he says, once he gets there. “You don’t need to be wearing ugly clothes for other people to see that.”

“Hopefully everybody will be as generous as you,” Woohyun replies after a long pause, putting his shoes on. He’s grinning again, Howon notices. “I’ll wear a suit for the actual concert.” Woohyun's phone starts ringing, loud and shrill; he mutes it with a swipe of his thumb, not even looking down at it. “That’s my cue,” he says. “See you in a few days?”

“See you in Nanjing,” Howon nods. 

For a moment he wonders if Woohyun will leave in a rush today. Howon hasn’t initiated any of their hugs so far, but there’s something about Woohyun's easy affection that seeps under his skin and settles in his bones, warm and comforting. In a way, it's a continuation of how he feels when he's surrounded by the whole team—that same sense of belonging, of being anchored in place. They’ve all been talking more often lately, both face to face and over texts and video calls. Howon can’t tell for sure whether the others have been making a conscious effort to stay in touch or not, if everything they went through before the start of their second world tour and afterwards served as a reminder of how frail and fleeting their lifestyles can be. Things have always worked better for them when they rely on each other, after all.

Woohyun turns around, tilting his head to the side when he finds Howon already watching him. He steps into Howon’s space, radiating heat and the same minty smell from the first night he dropped by. Howon holds him close, one hand on Woohyun’s hip and the other cupped around the back of his neck. 

“You should invite the others,” Woohyun says, muffled against Howon’s shirt. “Throw a proper housewarming party or something—”

“I’m not gonna throw a housewarming party while you’re abroad, Woohyunie,” Howon interrupts him.

“—Also, say congratulations to Hojae-hyung from me,” Woohyun finishes.

Howon’s fingers tighten into his hair. “I will,” he says.

“Good.” Woohyun pulls back. His cheeks dimple, his eyes dance with mirth. “We’ll be onstage together so soon,” he says.

Happiness bubbles up in Howon’s chest. “I can’t wait,” he replies.

 

···

 

SG (22:07): are we having lunch tomorrow or not

SG (22:07): you can all come over

SG (22:30): yah

SG (22:46): YAH

SG (22:46): are you going to reply or what

SY (22:51): but hyung

WH (22:51): that’s a bit...

SY (22:51): remember the fridge

SY (22:51): (horrified)

MS (22:55): please don’t

HY (22:55): no

DG (22:56): what fridge

SG (22:57): i’m living on my own now i don’t even have the same fridge

SG (22:57): also the stuff inside wasn’t mine how many times do i have to tell you

WH (22:58): i’m so embarrassed

HY (22:58): hyung are you gonna blame me and dongwoo-hyung again

HY (22:58): that’s cheap hyung

WH (22:58): people in the street ask me why we don’t have proper food

SG (22:59): no they don’t

SG (22:59): i don’t believe that

SG (23:00): stop

DW (23:03): let’s go to hongdae!!!

DW (23:03): (delighted)(delighted)(delighted)(delighted)

SY (23:04): to the chicken place? 

SJ (23:04): it’s closed now tho

SJ (23:04): they’re making renovations

MS (23:04): i want ox bone soup

DW (23:04): i want steamed fish

SG (23:05): shouldn’t we get meat if we go out

HY (23:05): does that mean you’re buying hyung?

WH (23:05): let’s get beef then

WH (23:05): short ribs~

HY (23:05): beef short ribs

HY (23:05): and pork belly wraps

SG (23:06): i didn’t say i was buying

HY (23:06): so why did you mention the meat...

HY (23:06): so pointless

WH (23:08): let’s stay in

WH (23:08): let’s go to hoya’s place

HY (23:08): ey

MS (23:09): does he have food there

WH (23:09): don’t worry we’ll order something

MS (23:09): sounds good to me

SJ (23:09): me too

SY (23:10): i’m in

HY (23:10): why are you deciding things without asking me first

DW (23:11): i want to go too!

DW (23:11): let’s play well together!!

DW (23:11): take care of us hoya-ssi!

SG (23:12): yeah~

SG (23:12): take care of us hoya-ssi

WH (23:12): it will be just like a party

HY (23:13): i’m going to take your phone away

SJ (23:15): see you tomorrow hyungs

MS (23:15): see you tomorrow!

SY (23:15): wait are you with namu right now

DW (23:28): isn’t it great to be talking like this

DW (23:28): life goes on and we move along with it 

DW (23:28): but we’ll always remember these days in the future

DW (23:28): we will have so many stories to tell

DW (23:29): and we have so many years left to make new memories

DW (23:29): the seven of us together, giving each other strength

DW (23:29): the magnificent seven!!!!!

DW (23:29): (delighted)(delighted)(delighted)(delighted)(delighted)(delighted)(thumbsup)

DW (23:37): yes. this is really good

**Author's Note:**

> The title is adapted from a verse in one of Park Hyoshin's new songs, "Breath".
> 
> As always, thank you very much for reading :)


End file.
